He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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