omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
