I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize