he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
