a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
