Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
