i jhust puked up my retainher.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
