UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
