and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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