my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
