Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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