I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
