Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
