does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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