Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
