As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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