Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
