im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
