Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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