Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
