God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
