I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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