do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize