You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
