I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
