Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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