i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
