I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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