I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
