He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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