Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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