i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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