I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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