I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
