just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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