Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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