my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
