I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
