I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
