I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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