So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Randomize
