It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
