apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize