im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
