This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
