How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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