"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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