They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
