Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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