you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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