"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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