Little spoons don't ask big questions
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Randomize