I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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