Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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