wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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