i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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