She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
