I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The beer is more important than you right now.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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